Today, I witnessed something sublime: the transfer of two perfectly-formed, microscope embryos from a Petri dish into my wife’s uterus.

I don’t say this lightly, carelessly throwing the word around as a mere adjective.

I literally mean sublime: something that is supreme, without equal, and awe inspiring.

Intellectually, I easily comprehend the process of IVF in terms of science and technology: the union of a human egg and sperm, brought together outside of the human body to divide and grow, and then returned to its natural home. Right, I get it.

Yet, I sat in the embryo transfer room today transfixed by the experience.

The entire process—from L getting in and out of the stirrups—lasted maybe 10 minutes. The actual embryo transfer was completed in just seconds. But, in these brief moments, I had a rush of thoughts, feelings, and emotions.

Most of all, I was struck with a sense of awe.

I was witness to the creation of a human life in its earliest stages. And, if successful, that life would be the one of my child. Talk about a moment of clarity. For perhaps the first time, I fully and deeply understood not just the process, but also the possibilities, of IVF.

This must be what Kant described as the “noble sublime.”

I was left speechless, holding back tears, and sitting in quite wonder.

Today was an amazing gift. I realize some people are fortunate in conceiving children easily. For us, it has been a struggle. But, now we’ve had a rare and wondrous experience too. For that, I’m grateful.

No matter what the future holds, I hope that I’m able to hold onto this day.

The transfer went smoothly (much more to say about it later).

For now, here’s a picture of the two embryos:

Better news today: L was told that the two embryos are “perfect” (grade: AA).

We’ll proceed with the Three Day Transfer (3DT) tomorrow at 9am.

One of L’s favorite infertility / IVF blogs is Murgdan’s Conceive This!, which I can understand as it is both smart and funny (something I aspire to achieve here).   

Anyway, Murgdan had an even crappier day yesterday than us, as IVF cycle #1 officially flamed out with a negative result on her blood test. This was after a seemingly successful cycle and a five-day transfer of two good embryos. Of course, she posted these results on her blog and a flood of supportive comments came pouring in.

In looking at the comments, I noticed most were from women. It seems there aren’t nearly as many dudes (at least not actively participating) in the IVF blogosphere. I think that’s unfortunate. And, it’s one of the things I’m hoping this blog will provide: a male voice on issues of infertility.

Yesterday was tough. L and I talked for a number of hours about our low fertilization rate and what that might imply for the future. She was upset, worried, and dejected. I was mostly depressed.

Up to now, we’ve been very optimistic about our long-term chances of success with IVF. Our doctor seemed to feel good about us. We were accepted by and participated in a “shared risk program” (a sort of IVF package / insurance deal), which I’m sure uses actuarial tables to statistically minimize their risks.

L did a fine job cooking up the eggs. And, my spunk seemed dandy.

Yet, only 2 of the 7 eggs managed to fertilize. 2 of 7! That’s about 28%

Dr. Google tells me that IVF/ICSI usually has resulted in a 70% or higher fertilization rate in clinical trials. Of course, some unfortunate couples (about 3%) suffer from “total (or complete) fertilization failure,” meaning no eggs successfully fertilize through ICSI. The primary cause for ICSI fertilization failure seems to be (paraphrasing from the medical literature) either “fucked up sperm,” or “fucked up and/or too few eggs.” All of this leads me to believe that IVF will not be as easy as I’d hoped. 

Could we still be successful on this cycle? Yes.

But, yesterday was definitely a hard, cold slap of reality.

Time to repeat my Eeyorish mantra:

It can always get worse.

Today, we’ll find out how the embryos are doing.