Tales of a journey through infertility into (hopefully) fatherhoodPosts RSS Comments RSS


I’m a 32 year old man living in central Florida in the United States. I’ve been happily married to my wife, L, for nearly 12 years. I hate to sound too sappy (though I am a sentimental sort), but she’s truly my best friend and partner in life. What’s that? You did the math? Yes. We were young when we got married. It means that we both sacrificed something of a more traditional (and less carefree) early adulthood. For this trade-off, we’ve been able to build a life together, brick by brick, starting with the cornerstone that we placed on bedrock those many years ago.

In this span of time, we’ve finished college and earned advanced degrees (both of us hold doctorates). We’ve established ourselves in our careers and earn a very good living (well into six figures). As a result, we have all the trappings of a prototypically successful, American upper middle-class couple’s lifestyle: luxury house, cars, travel, etc.

I’m not entirely sure that I’m proud of our success… or at least the excesses of life it has afforded us.

But, I’m not complaining either.

Along the way, I’ve learned (though I sometimes forget) that:

  • Money doesn’t buy happiness (but it also doesn’t make you sad).
  • Acquisitiveness begets acquisitiveness (at least for me).
  • Experiences are better than things.

Nonetheless, by almost any measure, we lead a charmed and fortunate life.

A couple of years ago, we decided it was time to have a child.

For L, I think it was a way to be the “complete, modern woman.” The one who has and enjoys it all. Education: check. Career: check. Husband: check. Children: unchecked. Shit! Time to tick that box!

For me, I was more sanguine and, in all honesty, apprehensive about the whole prospect. I think I lack the primal urge to “have to be a father.” That is to say, I see it as more of an added bonus (if it goes well) than a hole that would be left unfilled in my life. I suppose I thought I’d always be a father… someday. Yet, I also feared the implications of messing up the really good thing we’ve had going all these years. A kid might change things. We could grow apart, especially if the child became a myopic focus in our lives. This might lead to an ultimately unhappy and/or loveless marriage in which the child or children become the bonding agent holding things together. My in-laws say that “a happy marriage is the best gift you can give a child.” My snide retort, which I often think but never say, is “or failing that, the ability to fake it.” I don’t want us to become that sort of couple.

On the other hand, I’ve grown tired of our small family, which seemingly grows ever smaller and older each year. We need new blood! I’ve also become (at 32!) far more aware of my own mortality: a new generation would allow me to live on in some way. I also think we’d be good parents: people who could raise loving, compassionate, and emphatic children who could ultimately (in a small or large way) make the world a better place. I have things to teach based on the lessons I’ve learned.  Indeed, we have an abundance of wealth, knowledge, and experience. Why not share?

Aren’t we the sort of people who should have children?

In the end, given L’s strong desire to be a mother and my love for her, I was game to travel to Fatherland. And, since I’m headed there, I’m committed to being the best father I can be. I’m also determined to ensure that it only enhances, rather than detracts from, our marriage.

The objective of this blog is to chronicle my journey.

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3 Responses to “About”

  1. [...] About [...]

  2. monica lemoineon May 22nd 2009 at 10:21 am

    Nice work on this blog so far! Interesting to hear about your perspective - and looking forward to hearing more about your journey.

  3. Khirstenon Sep 2nd 2010 at 7:38 pm

    I was just reading your blog for the first time, and was brought to tears. The story of you buying your wife a temporary wedding ring was brilliant. I know exactly how your wife felt, as I have the same fears. I suffered with my ring on for my first pregnancy and am finding I may not be able to my second. People are judgmental at the best of times, but it seems you have a target on your back during pregnancy.
    Thank you for sharing your story.

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