Agreed. As I said, my intention was/is not to insult anyone. And, I’m all for honesty too. Unfortunately, I fear that the subject area (which is highly personal and emotional) in combination with the mode of communication (written and read at different times without the benefit of non-verbal cues or full context) is not as conducive as one might wish. That is to say, it’s potentially a fine line between honesty and insult. Nonetheless, I’m going to do my best to try to communicate openly and honestly.

Hopefully, I’ll be understood far more than misunderstood, provide a forum for both men and women in the IVF blogosphere, and manage to be somewhat entertaining in the process (though I get the impression that my sense of humor [a la George Carlin and Chris Rock] risks getting me into serious trouble).

I agree it would be nice to hear a male’s perspective on all things infertile because you’re right, that is sorely lacking in the IVF blogosphere. Maybe you could just tone down the ‘equal opportunity insulting’ to ‘equal opportunity honesty’? I am all for honesty when done in a constructive way.

Please see my reply to Murgdan’s comment below.

As for commenting on her blog, I’m curious – do you know what I actually wrote? Or are you assuming that you know what I wrote?

I do appreciate what you’re saying. And, no, I’m not perfect. Far from it.

Indeed, it was not my intention to suggest that your husband, you, or anyone else (whether infertile or not) were mentally disturbed or “crazy.” I was merely writing an interesting (pithy) title for my post. You’ll notice that in the post itself, I do not characterize anyone by saying “he’s this” or “she’s that.” I did, however, attempt to summarize some of your original post. To that end, if you believe that I’ve misrepresented something, please let me know. I’ll happily correct “the record.”

In creating this blog, I’m attempting to lend a male voice to public discussions about infertility (something which I believe is sorely lacking in the IVF blogosphere). Unfortunately, this isn’t a domain in which a lot of direct male perspectives. As such, I’m forced to respond (if I respond at all) to woman recounting their husbands’/partners’ viewpoints.

Having read much, my initial observation is that either 1) much is lost in this male-to-female-to-blogosphere translation, or 2) I really don’t understand the perspectives of these other men (to whatever extent they may be generalized).

That’s what this post was all about (i.e., “are all (other) men crazy?”).

I’ll fully grant that it could have been equally well titled: “Am I crazy?”

As for “shame on” me for picking on a fellow infertile:

First, I reject your underlying premise that infertile women/men are some sort of special class of citizen and thus I (or anyone else) have no right to comment on their beliefs / viewpoints (when made in a public forum) simply because they are infertile. From what I’ve seen, infertile couples are far too strong to need such molly-coddling. So, I’ll continue—as a matter of principle—to stand on the “equal opportunity insulter” side of the line… not that I intend to insult people (infertile or not) as a standard practice.

Second, I’m also more than willing to get as well as I give. Indeed, I hope my willingness to both approve your comment and write this response demonstrate my good will on this front. I just want a free and open exchange of ideas… even if that means you (or anyone else) tells me that I’m full of shit. Cool!

Third and finally, on a personal level, I do very much respect your circumstance, what you’ve done, and what your blog means / represents. I don’t doubt that your blog has helped a lot of people… in fact, I know it has, including my own wife. Moreover, I think your writing is smart, funny, and witty. I also know it’s not easy to abstract lengthy conversations / emotions / feelings into neat and tidy paragraphs. I just didn’t understand your post of yesterday and said so (although, not that it really matters, I do think that I understand it better now).

Anyway, having said all of that, I’ll say this again: I do apologize for any distress, trouble, angst, or upset that my writings have caused you.

I’m not sure why you feel you have the authority to judge Murgdan or her husband, seeing as how you do not know them personally or all they discuss in their personal life. All couples hit rough patches, but they work it out as Murgdan and her husband have more than demonstrated they are committed to doing. No couple is perfect and neither, my friend, are you. Please step off your high horse.

That said, I wish you and your wife luck on your IVF.

Thanks! I hope cycle #2 is better (successful) for you as well.

Yup, this is our first time through IVF. We’re in the “dreaded” two-week long holding pattern, waiting to find out the results. Since the fertilization rate was sub-optimal (2 of 7), we kind of got smacked with the reality of “hey, this might not work” early on. As such, we’re kind of expecting bad news and just hoping for good. I suppose it would be nice to be wildly optimistic (for a couple of weeks), but I suspect this is a psychologically healthier place long-term.

I opened myself up and told my story because…at least once a week…I received an e-mail from someone thanking me for sharing and letting them know they weren’t alone, or for helping them learn something more about IVF or male-factor infertility. That made it worth it to me, to open myself up to judgements like yours.

My husband is not crazy. He is dealing with seeing his wife ‘fall apart’ a little. He told me of the pain it caused him to watch me hurting, to see my dreams falling down around me. He is not crazy, he just apparently doesn’t deal with life as perfectly as you do. We don’t communicate the way other people do…our messages get crossed sometimes. We speak differently languages….literally. Do you know what it’s like to carry on the most meaningful conversation in your life in a second language, where nuances and tenses and double meanings abound? Sometimes we have arguments about our arguments until we realize what the other person was trying to say.

This community has provided me with nothing but supportive words, it has helped me feel ‘normal’ during times when I am anything but.

If you have read my blog for any amount of time, you know that I have called out and made fun of many many idiot asshats in my writing….but never, NEVER have I ever publicly mocked or disgraced or called names to another infertility blogger. The pain we face is pain enough. I don’t agree with all of the stories I read…I wouldn’t go down some of the roads others walk…but I would never sit in judgement.

This is not a fairy tale. This is life. Life is full of bumps and dips and happiness and pain.

Shame on you, Paul…for twisting the knife on someone else’s pain. Shame on you for calling my husband crazy. Shame on you.

I wish your wife the best of luck during her wait until beta. I hope her dreams come true.